Bitter, Party of One!

So I would pretty much sum today up as not one of my finer moments.  I have just been in a bad mood.  I feel as though I have the right to be in a bad mood.  But everyone else thinks I should be this strong, emotionless figure that doesn't let anything get to her.  My own husband tells me to be brave and not cry in front of the kids.  Those are generally the last words he tells me on the phone, like I should feel guilty for being sad.  I know that is not his intentions, he just does not want me to cry period because then he feels sad.  But he is telling me this while the kids are awake and it is sad to hear his voice and know I am not there with him.  Yesterday was the last time I was able to talk to him until he pulls into WA.  He is without an email account or calling card because the navy has yet to issue him one, because the Reagan doesn't have their act together.  I do not really care for their excuses, I want to talk to my husband and I cannot.  I feel as though the military needs me to come in and organize and budget their whole business because they are running it horribly.  That might be quite an undertaking, but I definitely cannot do a worse job than they are doing.  So as I pray that Nick gets his issued paperwork, and I will hear from him soon.  So this has made today be a day where I am never an earshot away from my phone.  I have drained the battery on my phone from checking my email so much, but still nothing.  So as I am about to go to bed, I am sad.  I am sad I wasted today being sad.  I hate that I am making the boys miss out on our normal family fun days because I am not into having fun.  This is so much harder than I thought.  I hate that I will have to do things alone, when all I want is to be with my husband.  I hate how guilty I feel for not being with him.  I love everyone for calling and checking on me that first day but I hate that no one is calling me now.  I take back the nights being hard comment, it is hard every possible second.  The weekends are so hard because that was our time as a family.  I didn't see him during the weekdays because of work and nights we were so exhausted.  But this weekend has been so hard.  I hate that I am crying so hard right now.  It has been just over 30 hours without talking, how can I do this for who knows how long.  I hate that I know its only been 30 hours.  Please, Please, Please make this easier.  Please give me the courage to get through this.  Please let me be brave for the boys.  Please don't let the suffer because of our decisions.  Please let them know fun and not sadness.  Please let me stop crying.  Post and Carry on with the rest of your day.