When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is.....
I will stop here, but I am pretty sure Limp Bizkit's Break Stuff (Yes, I totally used this song) was singing about my day today. I have just been in a very fowl mood. I am super depressed and I know why but I don't know why. Sometimes I think I may have had a bit of postpartum depression. Sometimes I feel great, but other days I feel horrible. Today, just was bad from the start. Caden has been in a very horrible, not listening mood. I think having a new schedule with school is making him retaliate towards me. I also think that the three's are very trying for us both. It is starting to set in that I no longer am going to have my helper, my relief for at least the next six months. I have no idea what our schedule for moving will be, and frankly I just get more sad to think about it. I keep saying depressed when I think the real word I should be using is fear, scared, self-pity, anger. I don't know what is going on. But every time I think about Nick leaving me alone, I don't know how I will function. I know I have done it before, and I can do it again, it really isn't that. It is more that I don't want to do it. Before I wanted Nick to be in the Navy forever because it was guaranteed income in these trying times. But now I want nothing more to get as far away from the Navy as possible. I hate that we still have so much time left in. This has just turned into my major vent forum today, and I still have more going! I am also sad about this blog. I really enjoy posting everyday (or several a day to make up for some days!) But I am starting to get discouraged. I have made a conscious effort to not put the same stuff on Facebook that is on here. I want people to see how we are doing and what is going on. And when I say people, I mean family and friends who don't get to see us everyday. Well I know people are reading because I can see that you are. But not one single person has asked me what is going on with Caden. I am worried sick. This is why my day has been so horrible. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, but I have two boys to take care of, so I can't. I don't know how else to put it. I am waiting and waiting for test results to get back of what possibly is reason that my precious little boy is not doing great. Every day the doctor doesn't call just makes me more scared that it is something worse. I hate getting mad at Caden right now, because I don't want to regret later yelling at him instead of hugging him. I am sorry to be so defensive, but I have had a lot of disappointment in people over the last year. I think I put myself out there sometimes just to get hurt. I really will be better tomorrow. I can't always sugar coat things like other people do. I hate those people who act like their life is perfect, everyone has trying days. Today was mine, and I would rather be real about it then lie. Post and Carry on with the rest of your day.
No comments:
Post a Comment