Even though I am still in about 99% denial that Nick is leaving in less than two months now, I know I need to face the facts soon. I am going to miss him terribly, a miss that I don't think I will fully understand until it happens. But right now I am being selfish and wondering how I am going to function day to day. I have dealt with time apart, long distance, and deployments. I know I can do it. But you see, Nick has been on shore duty for three years. Three years of no deployments, no duty days, weekends off, holidays off. For three years, I have had a somewhat normal working hours husband. He has been here with me through Caden age 8 months till present, a full pregnancy and now Ashton age 8 months. I have been spoiled by this and am scared I cannot leave this now. I am scared that secretely I wish he would have stayed on Sea Duty so I could not have gotten used to this schedule and did not know any different. We were so young and naive before, now I know how much help he is and I could have with him. I do not want to be apart from that now. This blog has gone another direction than I intended. Just know that I will miss my husband but right now where I am at is missing his help and selfishly wondering how I can do it. . .
I hate to be alone and have gotten used to never really being alone. This is something a navy wife should not be accustom to. I should be strong, independent, and tough. Those are three adjectives that scare me right now. But I am trying to get back to that state. I decided to conqueror being alone today while Nick was at work and I had both boys. Something I hate to do by myself is shopping. I decided that I will be doing a lot of that while Nick is gone, so I need to get over it. Having both boys to get in and out of the car while loading up the groceries into the car is something that I have never done. Usually one tackles the carseats while the other loads up the car. Today I had intentions of just walking around Wal-Mart but the boys both fell asleep in the car so I did not make it that far. After taking way too long getting us ready and prepared, we managed to leave the house just in time for Caden to decide he was hungry. I really did not want to turn around go home, so I thought of something cheap to eat. I really hate to eat alone more than shopping alone, so I decided to stick with Sonic. I thought staying in the car would be best because Ashton is not fun in restaurants with all the help in the world, let alone just me. I regret choosing Sonic, because I forgot I didn't like them. . . I am a bit of a fast food snob and miss my TX favorites. More importantly, I survived eating "alone" with the boys. Afterwards, we mwent and got Caden's haircut. I drove all the way there got both boys together in and out of the car, successfully. This sounds small to some, but it was huge for me. As I write this blog, I am crying uncontrollably. I think it just hit me that in a few months I will not
have a choice. Caden got his haircut at Sport Clips, with the lady who has done it the past two years. He has his own hairdresser, yet I do not. It was not that bad, Ashton cooperated and Caden loves to get his hair cut. Afterwards, I went to the coolest orthodontist there is. I wish they were a dentist because Caden was in love with the place. They were currently taking Halloween candy in exchange for a goodie bag (mostly dental hygiene stuff) and donating it to the USO. About three days after Halloween, Nick and I decided we were done with the candy. We would eat a piece and not be satisfied since it was so small, so we kept going back for more. We decided it shouldn't even be in the house and it needed to be gone. I found that this ortho was doing this, and thought it sounded pretty cool. I gave them almost everything but a few favorites and am so
happy I did. I am a bad mom and have never taken Caden to the dentist. So I also thought this would be the perfect opportunity to get Caden excited and I think it worked. I got a good recommendation and hopes to be taking him soon. I was able to make it in and out of two places today, two car seats, two boys, no real fits or anything. I was so proud of myself and glad the boys were easy on me. I know that I will have hard times but I hope that the boys will see that I am trying. They both fell asleep and I decided that I should be taking baby steps anyways. Maybe I will try the grocery store next week. Post and Carry on with the rest of your day.
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